My Child Was Taught to Lie! How Can I Stop Him?

Question

My five-year-old son, who has been with us for nine months, was taught to lie by his birth family. This is something that my husband and I find hard to handle with people in general and we find ourselves being really tough on him. Would you be able to give us some strategies, suggestions and ways to manage this, and help us to explain to him that it is not something people should do.

Answer

First of all, nine months compared to five years is nothing that comes to feeling safe enough to trust, feel secure, and thus be honest when one has done something wrong. Realize that right now he doesn’t know if he’s going to even be staying with you for very long!

Second, you and your husband need to look honestly at your own fears regarding lying. Your reactions to your five-year-old are most likely far greater than what are deserving of his five-year-old fears. I wrote a book called Why Kids Lie and How to End It Now! Start by getting a copy and reading it. Bottom line, lying is based on fear, yet if you become as fearful to your son’s lies as he is when telling it, guess what you’re going to get more of? That’s right, more fear and more lies. First conquer your own reactions to his lying. See it as both as fear and negative conditioning. Try not to be too hard on him and certainly avoid any statements like, “your mom and dad taught you to lie and they were not good people”. Statements like that are guaranteed to lead you down the path of frustration. Remember, he wants to be loved and feel safe but he has spent years feeling insecure and frightened. If you follow the steps outlined in the book you should see some significant changes within a short period of time, but you first have to conquer your own reactions. I can’t express that strongly enough.

Choose Love — B.