Time out for a time-in – This is HUGE!

A parent commented, “When one of my sons came home he would have a complete breakdown and rage for a full hour and we would send him to his room to “get it all out”. When we started time in, it cut his “moments” down from an hour to 3 minutes or ZERO! Sending him away when he was having a hard time perpetuated his fear of being alone. DUH!!!!! Took us a minute to figure that out.”

It can be this simple parents. Put on your thinking caps as my grade school teacher used to say and work out your own strategies for your family. Get the kids involved if you can. Yes, it does take some time. I know you are busy. But these few moments could actually end the agonizing time that an ensuing melt-down would take. Not to mention the emotional and physical drain these disruptive events take on us as parents. Want to read more?

Natural vs Parent Formulated Consequences

There is a big difference between a parent formulated consequence and a natural consequence. I know this is challenging to many of us. Learn to recognize the differences. Put in some “think” time. Test this out and see what you can learn about “learning”. Remember that Discipline means “to teach” — not “to punish” as we most often reason.

Natural consequences are not formulated as a punishment. I go into this in more detail in The Great Behavior Breakdown and you can learn to discern the differences. In short, the difference is you and your approach. If a child is unable to manage a part of their life without disrupting behaviors, then cutting back, removing the triggers or ending the event with an attitude of… “son, I notice that when you are on the video game for too long you are unable to regulate yourself and you get an attitude of defiance which makes it difficult for you stop and do what you need to do when you are asked. So we are going to cut back on your time on the game to 30 minutes (or 15 or whatever works in the situation) and we will see how well that works.”

You may even choose to go and sit with him for a few minutes as his time to quit is nearing, just to help with the transition. I know you are busy. But these few moments could actually end the agonizing time that an ensuing melt-down would take. Not to mention the emotional and physical drain these disruptive events take on us as parents.

Punishing does not address the root cause of behaviors. It only ‘hopes’ to eradicate it with fear — that the same or worse will happen if child does this behavior again. As we have said before, you can get anyone to do anything by pointing a gun at their head. Where is the learning here? Where is the teaching? How is this helping a child to learn to regulate so those behaviors are no longer needed by them. If they don’t ‘need’ attention, they won’t try to get it. Acting out diminishes as self-regulation increases. Drama is that behavior expressed when a child (or adult) tries to get the love they need, that they are unable to give to themselves. How does punishing help someone to love themselves more?

Try not to punish children for “needing attention”. Give them the attention they need when they need it. Give them the gift of oxytocin and let the natural process of self regulation do the parenting for you. Give yourself and your child a break.

The most fundamental understanding for a parent is to recognize is that children don’t act out for attention. Children act out because they need attention. These are very different yet the same. When children act out, they’re demonstrating that they’ve gone outside of their window of tolerance. So, of course they “want” attention — they need it! Bless their little hearts for being so blatantly honest…

As some of our parents so eloquently commented on our Facebook page recently:
“Attention seeking” is “connection seeking;
They’re looking for co-regulation from an attachment figure;
“Behavior expresses a need” is the hands-down number one take away catch phrase from our foster parent training.
If you have any doubts about this, be mindful the next time you “misbehave” and notice what is going on inside you and what you are needing/feeling/wanting.

Choose Love.
— B