Why we get angry at our kids and how to handle it Pt. 1

Why Do We Get Angry?

One of the more effective tools in a parent’s toolbox is anger. “Don’t make me get angry with you”! (As if they could make us…). We don’t like it when our children get angry, we don’t like it when our spouse or boss gets angry, and if you are like me, you don’t even like it when you get angry. So why do we do it? More importantly, how do we “not do it”?

Anger as a tool

One of the more effective tools in a parent’s toolbox is anger. “Don’t make me get angry with you”! (As if they could make us…). We don’t like it when our children get angry, we don’t like it when our spouse or boss gets angry, and if you are like me, you don’t even like it when you get angry. So why do we do it? More importantly, how do we “not do it”?

I hear people often say, “I have a right to get angry!”. Well of course. You have the right to kill someone but that doesn’t mean it will work out well for you – or the other person. It is not “getting” angry that is the problem, it is how we handle it. Anger is a valid emotion and we need to be aware of it when it arises. If we consider outcomes as part of our parenting equation, we have to ask, “does getting angry help or hinder our ability to influence our children?”. It does give us a certain power to control and intimidate, but is this the kind of relationship we want for our children and others? As we have said before, you can get anyone to do anything if you point a gun to their head, but is that going to bring you closer or push you further away?

Why we do it is surrounded by many variables, but the ones that are obvious to me are:

1. We learned that we can get what we want by getting angry;

2. We do not have any other resources in our toolbox that provide options other than anger.

What keeps us in the status quo of either using our anger intentionally or allowing our anger to control us my be simply not understanding the harmful effects that anger has on us, let alone our children.

For this week, take a good hard long look at anger. Consider other options when it starts to arise – and it comes as no surprise. If you are mindful of your mind and body you can notice it starting either in your thoughts or tightness and particular sensations in your body (tension). Mine starts in my stomach and moves into my breathing (quickens), heart beats faster and then my hands begin to clench. Find out what your process looks and feels like when anger starts to stir. Then decide which direction you want to go with it. It can help or harm.

Once you notice how and when it begins, you have an opportunity to redirect the energy (use the 3 R’s – Reflect – Relate – Regulate and other mindful breathing practices) so that you can feel/be angry but not let it dictate your actions. Take control of the situation with loving intention. Or just take a time-out moment to remember who you really are and not just a by-product of your emotions. You are a loving, caring, conscious parent who loves your children – even when you don’t feel it. That is why you have them in your home/family to begin with.

The same thing goes for your co-workers, friends, neighbors and others by the way. You can be the person you want to be – loving, caring, compassionate… (your write your own list) just by remembering who you really are already and practicing it. And yes, it does require practice just like being great at anything does.

Look for more help and some great understanding of anger from a neuroscience perspective coming this week in Pt. 2. You will be fascinated!